Tuesday, August 7, 2012

222:365:2012




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I try to not share alot of my personal issues on my blog... and I am not sure it is always a good thing.
On one hand, I try to surround myself with things that are uplifting... and to sit and spew all my troubles would go against that. I don't want to spread any negativity or sadness... And I don't want people to see this as an online pity party.
On the other hand... I am human. We are all human... sharing the common experience of life on this mortal plane... and sometimes that sharing creates a community of love and support. And sometimes we need to share those tender moments for the common good.

These past couple of years have been quite rough.... on so many levels. 
My father became ill, and there were many long trips and endless phone calls to try to help and be there for both of my parents. Trying to help him... get him the best care possible... His passing... my mother's grief... her illnesses... her battle to live a life (now)alone... and trying to be a supportive daughter... helping her with her finances and just trying to be there for her .
And then there were issues here on the "home front"... kids moving on and moving out... my son's marriage... birth of my granddaughter... his ultimate divorce and custody battles...and all the financial and emotional pain and strain that goes with that... My daughter's health issues, her OCD... battles with her weight... anxiety... depression... My son's issues with depression... job troubles... anxiety... drug use. The fact that both of our children have "alternative lifestyles"... and worries about how society will treat them... or mistreat them as it were. BAJ's troubles with his work... our own "mid-life" issues... financial problems... drifting apart... getting caught up in the mundane of everyday life...health/ weight/ stress... trying to incorporate exercise and healthy eating in our lives...  and then there were the road trips... trying to help friends... having other people live with us... trying to be the best friends we could... and the ultimate loss of that friendship... regrouping... clearing out... recharging... and then.... cancer again. And for me... health issues... and all that entails and goes along with having a chronic illness (Lupus). The day to day... do I have enough spoons... to do what I have to do... what I need to do... what I want to do...

It's alot. If I were to write down all the things... it would seem incredulous... and fabricated. And sometimes that is just the way life is. Everyone has their trials. Everyone has these life experiences that will either make them or break them... I know that I am not special in that regard.

Yesterday I spent the day in a "mental health urgent care center" with my son. It seemed to be a culmination of events that lead us there... and even though it could have been horribly traumatic... it was exactly where we needed to be. It's an odd sensation to be in a lock-down ward... having been scanned... scoped... and your belongings temporarily removed for safety reasons. I remember the protocol from my years in nursing school and my inpatient psych rotation... and years later... working in a lock-down ward in the state of Ohio. 
I actually loved psych.... and was damn good at my job. Being on the receiving end... with a loved one... is, however, a different story. You vacillate between being an awesome caregiver... knowing the appropriate responses... and being a mom... too close... and too raw.

Moral of this story?
It's a work in progress. All of life is. I am grateful for each and every episode in my life... for it has made me what I am today. 
Stronger. Clearer. Grateful. Centered. Loved.