Sunday, June 9, 2013

for the weekend

It's after midnight... and the phone is ringing for the 3rd time.
It's an unknown caller from Espanola, NM... and they are drunk... only speaking Spanish... and insisting that they are calling someone they know... and that I am not passing the phone off to that person.
It's hot. Like really hot. And it's going to be in the 90's and low 100's at least for the next week.
The people on the HGTV show on the TV are really, really rude... and not appreciating any of the help they are getting.
Is this a trend? Rudeness... insistence on getting your own way no matter what?
It's almost a "righteous indignation" kind of attitude... and I don't get it.

I am tired. And depressed. And feeling broke... out of luck... and in a hole.
And while I would be inclined to wallow in the "when will it be my turn to get what I would like" feeling...
I try to hold off. I try to be optimistic.
I try to believe that things are going just as they are supposed to... and while it may not seem like I am making any headway towards my goals... at least I am not moving backwards.

I worry for my mom... who has been having health issues... and feel like I should be going back to help her more... and yet. I am not physically (... we won't even discuss the mentally) well either. Not sure I could even make the trip and be of any use to her when I got there. And I feel guilty.
And I am worried for my son.... who is going thru a particularly hard time (again)...
for my dearest BAJ ... who is not loving his job...
for the daughter and I ... who just want to move... and it goes on.

I am sure that some of my distress has to do with a lack of sleep.
Because of my intolerance to the heat... I find that the few hours of the day that I can be (sorta) productive... are at night... and so I try to sleep during the day... and well... things are wonky.
My studio space is not insulated... and so I am coming up on a season of not being able to do much out there... because of the heat. I need to figure out ways to bring portions of it inside... make it portable... so that I can work on things at the kitchen table.
There is so much to do around the house here... and yet... where to find the strength and the energy to do it... and can I do it after the sun goes down? Certainly not most of it. And so I am frustrated.

and then I realize that my problems are small... and inconsequential to that which most people in this world are facing... And again, I feel guilty.

and so I walk outside and stand in the dirt.... then take a brisk ice cold shower... make some tea... gather myself up... and try to move on....

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.” 
― David MametBoston Marriage