Wednesday, July 16, 2014

7-16-14



... and today I am petrified.

Self doubt.
Was it the right decision?
What will people think of me for quitting the only job I had?
Ie: will they see me as a slacker or someone who is unwilling to work?
What if they are really mad at me or hate me?

I am overwhelmed.
I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough at the job I just left, and today at my volunteer work; I had the same feeling.
Nothing I am doing here is good enough.
Nothing I do here will ever measure up.
I am nothing.

I am sure we've all had these thoughts.
A friend of mine would gently say, that's fear talking... and she is right.
I am scared.

I am scared of failure.
I am scared of what other people may or may not think.
I am afraid that people will be mad at me.

--- and perhaps most telling...
I am afraid that taking time out to do my own art, to build my own business is selfish.
I am afraid no one will like my stuff.
I am afraid I will never make any money doing something I love.
I am afraid it will not be enough... that I am not enough.
That my work is in vain.

According to the book I am reading... one of the suggestions is to make a list of your "heroes."
People you admire; no matter their field of expertise or talent.
Then to list the qualities in them that you admire.
She then goes on to explain... that if you showed a list to a friend... of the qualities in those you hold high... they would think they are of you.
So, say for instance; you admire John Wayne. (and I do)
What is it you admire about the Duke? (my answer... that he didn't take crap from anyone)
If what she says is true... then that is a quality that I have.

And yes, in most instances; that is indeed... very true for me.
So why the self doubt today?
Lots of reasons... but her suggestion is that I "muster up" those qualities during periods of self-doubt... and (today for me) self loathing.

So. I ask myself... What Would JOHN WAYNE do?
(I've always used WWJWD as opposed to WWJD.... sort of a play on the popular catch-phrase)

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." --- the Duke