Thursday, January 15, 2015

1-15-15


I've always been a worrier.
I think a lot of it has to do with growing up in situations where I felt I had very little control over my day to day existence. I worried if I said the wrong thing. I worried if I said the right thing.... but at the wrong time, or to the wrong person. I worried about offending people. About not doing enough. About being misunderstood. And then there were the worries about shear survival at times.
It was, as they say... a full plate.

As an adult... these worries continued.
Would I make a mistake? Would I (inadvertently) hurt someone?.. as a nurse, there is always the fear that the one time you do make a mistake; it could be a very costly one to someone's health or well-being. And of course, being a mom ... you worry about all sorts of things. Did I reprimand them too much? not enough? Did I teach them well? Did I set for them a good example...  the list goes on.

Moving back to PA has been good in many ways; but it has also had the effect of bringing back some of those old insecurities. It's hard to step out of old patterns... especially ones so ingrained.

One of my biggest fears in making some decisions lately... completely revolved around what other people would think. And the cycle started spinning out of control.
I finally, got a verbal "slap" today from my daughter and a friend... which essentially boiled down to... "who cares?" ... of course, my first response was, of course I care what everyone thinks! 
But then I had to step back, and realize that they were right.
In the end, the decisions I make involve only myself (and my immediate family--- those poor souls who actually live with me). I needed to take into consideration... my own feelings.... perhaps for the first time in a long while. What was it that I really wanted to do? What felt right? What was in my personal best interests?
I felt incredibly selfish. ... and so I kept reading...

Here are some interesting links that I found on the subject:
*reasons why being selfish is good for you
*the importance of being selfish
*an article on Huffington Post

eh... it's a work in progress... and frankly; I'm still worried.
We'll get there.